Unfortunately, no amount of precaution can completely protect your children from a spouse or ex-spouse who is intent on taking them. But, you can take steps to reduce the risks.

If there are serious difficulties between you and your spouse, your first consideration is to obtain legal custody of, or access to your child(ren). There are many kinds of custody, for example: permanent, sole, joint, interim, temporary, defacto, exparte, etc. There are also different types of access, which allow you certain privileges during your visitation period. Know what you want and make sure you understand exactly what the court documents mean.

• Understand that if no legal custody has been determined, the abducting parent has broken no law and you, the left behind or searching parent, have no immediate legal recourse.

• If you find yourself in this situation, the first step is to consult a lawyer and obtain legal custody. Custody can be granted you even if your ex-spouse and children are no longer in the area and you do not know where they are. It will not matter if you were living common-law, legally married, separated, or divorced at the time of abduction. Every child must have a legal guardian.

• Once you obtain a Court Order giving you custody, obtain a passport on the children and notify the Passport Office that they are not to leave the country without your written permission. If the abducted children are not already on either your or your ex-spouse's passport this will not be a problem. Be prepared to produce their birth certificate and your custody documents. If, however, your children are on the abducting parent's passport, you must write them and request that they “red flag” that passport. This does not guarantee anything but often the Passport Office will notify you of any attempt to use that passport or, in fact, if a passport was applied for.

Child Find has observed a profile of POTENTIAL abductors which may be helpful:

• Someone who angers easily, is erratic, or impulsive.

• Someone who is hostile, revengeful, spiteful, or abusive. An abusive parent or one who takes little interest in, or responsibility for, the children is, ironically, a potential abductor. The primary nurturing parent is less likely to snatch, although there are exceptions to this.

• A spouse or ex-spouse with skills or means to support him/herself and the children while moving about to avoid detection, or having someone able to help financially support them.

• Someone who has a poor record of employment, therefore not having any business responsibilities which could act as a deterrent.

If your ex-spouse threatens to abduct the children, have those threats witnessed or recorded if at all possible. This precaution can go a long way toward serious restrictions incorporated into the Custody Order.

Court Ordered Deterrents – some safeguards include:

• The parent with visitation rights can be ordered to post a sizeable bond. If he/she absconds with the children, the money would go to you, the searching parent, to assist in the costly search to locate them.

• Make sure your Custody Order details police procedure should the ex-spouse abduct the children. If your order is violated the police have specific authorization to apprehend and retrieve the children if necessary. This precaution makes it clear to law enforcement that they can and should help you.

• Most police departments see this as a “domestic” problem and have no firm policy on how to handle these situations. It would also be advisable to seek extra-provincial and international police procedure if at all possible in case the abducting parent leaves for another province or country. This is something that must be thoroughly discussed with your lawyer.

• Place restrictions on where visitations may take place. If the situation warrants it, you can have all visitation periods supervised by a mutual person who has no benefit to gain from either spouse. This is called supervised access.

Know, maintain, and regularly update all current vital information on your ex-spouse. For example: social insurance number, driver's license number, passport number, credit card name and number, financial records, bank account numbers, employers and salary, addresses and phone numbers, current photographs, and license plate number, year, make, and model of the vehicle(s). Include a list of all relatives and friends with their addresses and phone numbers. In the event of an unforeseen abduction, this information will become your lifeline to locating your children. Do you know your ex-spouse's birth date?

Do not withhold, or unfairly manipulate, your ex-spouse's visitation time if he/she is behaving responsibly in accordance with the Custody/Access Order. Frustration and anger can cause the other parent to contemplate snatching the children.

Attempt to maintain a friendly, or at least civil, relationship with your ex-spouse for the well being of your children. Remain friendly with your in-laws. This may be extraordinarily difficult for you but it can go a long way to keeping you informed as to their whereabouts. This may ease tension and reduce the risk of them encouraging your ex-spouse to abduct the children. Anger from in-laws is a common trigger for child abduction. Remember that the grandparents no longer have easy access to their grandchildren now that your relationship has dissolved. Also keep in mind that should abduction occur, grandparents almost always know the location of your children. This can be especially frustrating because they will probably never tell you.

If your child attends school, pre-school, day care or camp, etc., take copies of your legal Custody Order to the principal or administrator. Include a photograph of the non-custodial parent (the one who has access) and explain exactly who is allowed to take the children from the school grounds. Inform all other school personnel involved with your children's care. Most schools will cooperate with you, or risk being sued for wrongfully giving your children to an improper person. Of course, schools are not liable if the exchange does not happen on their property, which may not include the playground and most certainly does not include the sidewalks, etc. If the schools are not very receptive to your situation, perhaps your lawyer could write them a letter and include the pertinent documents.

Think about using a code word with your children. A simple favorite word for (example) a toy, pet, or food. Use a separate code word with each child and teach them that they should not go with “daddy” until they have checked with you. Teach them unless “daddy” can give the code word without stumbling that they are not to go with him. This also applies to “mommy.” Sometimes the other parent will send a relative or close friend – perhaps someone your children trust – to pick them up. Teach your children to say no and to call you immediately. Change the code word once it has been used.

Talk to your children often, reassure them that you love them and will always want them no matter what. Tell them that unless they have been to your funeral and have seen that you have died – that this is not true or likely to happen – that you are alive and well and will always search for them until you find them. Often the abducting parent will tell the children that you don't want them, don't love them, or in fact have died.

Teach your children that they can search for you too. Teach them your full name – they only know you as mommy and daddy. Teach them how to use a phone, call and talk to an operator, and how to use a pay phone. Teach them their full name and phone number as well as the area code and the name of the city they live in. Let your children practice making a long distance call the next time you call grandma, etc. The best teacher is experience. Let them make mistakes because they will try again and become confident of accomplishing the connection. Be patient, don't think that if they are successful once that they will remember how to do it in a month. Let it be your child's job to make all the long distance calls for you, thereby teaching them that the telephone is a communication tool and a lifeline to you, now matter who forbids it.

Listen to your children. This is the most important prevention tool. Find out how they feel about the separation or divorce and explain to them what a legal Custody Order is. Let them be part of your experience. A child in the know is better equipped to handle difficult situations. Above all, show your children the affection of a loving parent and if things become strained reach out for help for them and for you.

A question we are frequently asked is how old should a child be before you begin this type of prevention program. It depends on the maturity and capabilities of your children. It also depends on how educated you are about what to do. Some three-year-olds can handle learning their name and yours, others can't. But it is never too early to start even if they do not fully understand. In this way, it becomes a fact of life just like a lot of things we teach our children – for example, talking – we repeat sounds and words long before the child can actually say them. Give children credit for wanting to understand.

If you are in a situation where your children want to be with the other spouse because they are promised gifts, no bedtime, trips, and basically everything they want, with no or few restrictions, be prepared for the most frustrating time of your life. There is no easy answer to this problem and it happens frequently. If you are prepared to alter the existing custody arrangement you will have to work very closely with the spouse and your children. If you are not – grin and bear it for now.

Often as children approach their teens, they will manipulate you into the money game. For example, “mommy gave me the money so why can't you?”, “Daddy bought me this dress, why don't we have any money?” You will have to be firm but understanding with your children at this point. Tell them the truth and don't badmouth the other parent if possible. It will only be a release for your anger and will instinctively send the children off to the other spouse with tales on how you said he/she was a rotten . . .!

Another problem is the time when you or your ex-spouse has a new relationship with a member of the opposite sex. Be discreet and be aware that your children will communicate this to your ex-spouse long before you do. This can cause some jealousy and there could be repercussions - whether it be over the fact that you have someone new first and that your ex-spouse doesn't want someone else raising/disciplining those children.

Don't ask your children to choose which parent they want to live with. This should be an adult decision and young children need direction. The pre-teenager should be given a chance to speak their mind but they should also know that they will have to abide by your decision, at least for now. This will not mean that they cannot see the other parent and here is why and when to fully explain your Custody Order and what it means FOR THEM.

There are many other situations you will come across which will be frustrating and trying. Just remember – what is truly best for the children? There are a number of books you can read on divorce and custody.